1.
Don’t hit on me.
2.
Don’t hit on me, especially if you have facial
tattoos.
It was one of those pieces of wit so good; I had to steal it and make it my own.
When you are single it never seems
like you are approached by the people you to be approached by. If that ever
happened,then you probably wouldn’t be single.
I have the uncanny ability to
attract Lovecraftain monsters. I am not referring to that fact that these
people are unfathomably hideous, they are, it’s just it seems hardly fair to
hold against people in East Tennessee, where everyone is an inbred fish
monster. I’m referring to the fact these people I encounter have to be from
some dank unearthly dimension where there are no women because otherwise I
would have no explanation for the inherent lack of social skills.
So
don’t hit on me if:
1. You are in a moving vehicle - I’ve never understood the whole yelling at
someone out of a car window thing. Has this ever worked for anyone? Did anyone’s parents meet this way? When
someone in a vehicle going about 45 miles an hour and I am traveling at
leisurely pace of 6 miles an hour listening to my slow jams on the iPod, the
most I hear as they pass by is, “HEEEEYYYYYY
ARRRRRrirorrororgggggggooooooooooooooooo.” Is this a distance and velocity
problem? As far as I know the guy could
be yelling at me because his breaks are failing. How would I ever know. Let’s
say that I understood whatever the hell you were saying and was flattered by
it. What am I supposed to do? Run after the car? Write down a license plate
number?
2. I am with
another man - When I go out
when with my friend Big Daddy, I want to spend my evening with Bid Daddy. He isn’t my date, but is that something you
really want to gamble on when the guy I’m with is over six feet tall, and while
I was never good at the “Guess the chicken’s weight” game at the fair, I’d say
someone you don’t want to fuck with.
The thing is, he
isn’t the one you should be worried about. If you ruin my evening out , all 5’1
of me is going to fuck you up. It’s akin being eaten alive by cute cartoon
squirrel.
3. I am
clearly not interested - Here is a pro-tip, If it’s finals week and I am in
the college library frantically typing a way on a computer, I don’t want to
talk to you. If you strike up a conversation and I don’t make eye contact with you,
I don’t want to talk to you. If I pull out my phone and start texting someone,
while continuing to not looking your general direction, and making gritting
noises with my teeth, just stop.
4. If you like rape and torture movies - You
can look at me and tell I like horror movies. It’s like guessing that my
favorite holiday is Halloween, you don’t necessarily have to be Horatio Clark to
figure that one out. It’s great that you
think The Human Centipede and Paranormal Activity are highlights of
modern cinema. Even if I did 10 Whip-it’s every day for a year, I don’t think I
would ever reach that conclusion , but please don’t feel the need to tell me
how much you loved Salo’/ A Serbian
Film/Cannibal Holocaust/Irreversible, etc. I have seen those movies; I
wouldn’t recommend them to anyone.
Telling me that you’ve seen them 17 times doesn’t convince me that you
are cool; it convinces me that you probably have a vagina in a box.
5. If you make animal noises: It saddens me that this has happened to me
so frequently I had put on a numbered list. My name is Kat. K-a-t. The
domesticated feline is spelled C-a-t. Hooked on Phonics/The Internet has
screwed over a whole generation of people when it comes grammar and spelling, I
know, I’m one of them. Still, it doesn’t explain why you would meow at me. It’s
about as effective as meowing at an actual cat. I’ll give you a look of boredom
and disgust and then go vomit on your shoes.
So to conclude: Don’t
hit on me, ever.
